My life is so crazy, I haven't been taking the time to blog. Not that I was very good about it when I first started anyways, haha, but I've been wanting to write for awhile. But it's been a month, where do I begin? I can't give a blow-by-blow, but here's a few things I've been thinking about:
There is no way I'm going to continue in chemistry after I graduate. I don't want to work in a lab, and I've lost all interest this year in pursuing it to any degree other than maybe as a random hobby. So now that I'm conveniently figuring this out 3 semesters before I graduate, where am I going once all is said and done in my undergrad phase? Where do I want to be? Where does the Lord want me to be? Where do I even begin? Years of planning on graduate school or a chemistry job, and I find myself wanting. I still don't know what I want to be when I grow up.
Maybe just with General Conference on the mind, or my impending graduation, but I also have a sense of urgency around my thoughts. I need to get on with whatever it is I should be doing. I feel like I should be learning as much as I can about people, the gospel, what's happening in the world, history, languages, everything. And it's a great feeling. To feel like there is something more worth searching for. I have a life to live, and I'm beginning a new phase. There is more, and I need to find it. How much can I learn, and how much can I stretch? Which way should I go? Which bend in the river is for me? How long can I straddle the fork in the road? Can you straddle a fork in the road? Who really knows? If you do, please share.
Mostly, I love life. I don't know why Heavenly Father thought it was a good idea to give me so many opportunities, such as a good education and defining moments, a great family and great friends, but He did. And how could I ever want to waste it? How can I not want to give it my all?
"I look once more, just around the riverbend. Beyond the shore, where the gulls fly free. Don't know what for, what I dream the day might send just around the riverbend. For me. Coming for me."
Take it from my Hands
The last few weeks have been incredibly absurd in the best and worse ways. I don't have the time or the long-term memory to tell you everything that's happened, so here are bits and pieces of my last few weeks.
star-gazing, sleeping asian in the trunk
game night and dinner...multiple times
Hoosier club hazing
insomniac friends
Late night walmart runs
"I went to bed at 1:30am and was so proud of myself!"
Lots and lots of freshmen
Gotta stop running
"this is all i know of Leah. 'I have to work on this paper! Oo, facebook!'"
Sarah! Jenna (deep voice)
sad stories and truths
Best ward ever!
First day of classes
I like Firefly even less now
Finished paper!
What a random time for an epiphany
Country dancing and craiging (and kraeging) story
It's been a crazy few weeks, and I wish I could easily relay every fun time I had and every thing I learned. I do want to share one instance today.
I was sitting in World Civ II thinking about how I'm not going to have a life and wondering what my calling in church was going to be this semester. I thought about how much I didn't enjoy my summer much, and how nervous I was for the school year. I wondered what I was going to do with my life once school ended and how I would get there. I thought about how I felt going to all the orientation stuff for the freshmen and how lucky I am to be attending BYU. I thought about broken hearts, lost dreams and cherished memories. I thought about how funny it was that of all the times I could sit and ponder life, it just happened to be during my evening class (though looking back on it now, it was the first time I was left to myself in like, 3 weeks, which is probably why).
So many questions, not enough answers. I've been happy, but it's been awhile since I've felt in place. What was I missing? What am I supposed to be doing? I've been trying to do everything right, so why did I feel so misplaced?
And so, with my wonderful dad's words in the back of my head "Sometimes I just tell Heavenly Father 'What are you wanting me to do? I'm just going to do my best and tell me if I'm wrong.' " (or something to that effect), I decided I'd do the same. I made a plan, said 'this is the best i've got' and went on my way (of course, by went on my way, I meant starting thinking about other things because I was still kinda sitting there in class).
And you know what? Shortly thereafter, I got an answer to my prayers. Life is funny like that, and I think that our Father in Heaven has an odd sense of humor, and an amazingly gentle, but slap-in-the-face way of speaking sometimes.
Also, World Civ is going to be my favorite class I think. And not just because I get answers to prayers, but because it was probably the coolest lecture I half-listened to thus far. I'm pretty sure the people next to me probably would have thought I was crazy by my few minutes of solemn contemplation shortly followed by me being overly excited about something the professor said, if they weren't struggling to stay awake themselves...
Anyways, I really just wanted to say I'm grateful for answers to prayers and I know they are real. I know God lives, and loves His children, even in their stubborn ways. He loves His children.
star-gazing, sleeping asian in the trunk
game night and dinner...multiple times
Hoosier club hazing
insomniac friends
Late night walmart runs
"I went to bed at 1:30am and was so proud of myself!"
Lots and lots of freshmen
Gotta stop running
"this is all i know of Leah. 'I have to work on this paper! Oo, facebook!'"
Sarah! Jenna (deep voice)
sad stories and truths
Best ward ever!
First day of classes
I like Firefly even less now
Finished paper!
What a random time for an epiphany
Country dancing and craiging (and kraeging) story
It's been a crazy few weeks, and I wish I could easily relay every fun time I had and every thing I learned. I do want to share one instance today.
I was sitting in World Civ II thinking about how I'm not going to have a life and wondering what my calling in church was going to be this semester. I thought about how much I didn't enjoy my summer much, and how nervous I was for the school year. I wondered what I was going to do with my life once school ended and how I would get there. I thought about how I felt going to all the orientation stuff for the freshmen and how lucky I am to be attending BYU. I thought about broken hearts, lost dreams and cherished memories. I thought about how funny it was that of all the times I could sit and ponder life, it just happened to be during my evening class (though looking back on it now, it was the first time I was left to myself in like, 3 weeks, which is probably why).
So many questions, not enough answers. I've been happy, but it's been awhile since I've felt in place. What was I missing? What am I supposed to be doing? I've been trying to do everything right, so why did I feel so misplaced?
And so, with my wonderful dad's words in the back of my head "Sometimes I just tell Heavenly Father 'What are you wanting me to do? I'm just going to do my best and tell me if I'm wrong.' " (or something to that effect), I decided I'd do the same. I made a plan, said 'this is the best i've got' and went on my way (of course, by went on my way, I meant starting thinking about other things because I was still kinda sitting there in class).
And you know what? Shortly thereafter, I got an answer to my prayers. Life is funny like that, and I think that our Father in Heaven has an odd sense of humor, and an amazingly gentle, but slap-in-the-face way of speaking sometimes.
Also, World Civ is going to be my favorite class I think. And not just because I get answers to prayers, but because it was probably the coolest lecture I half-listened to thus far. I'm pretty sure the people next to me probably would have thought I was crazy by my few minutes of solemn contemplation shortly followed by me being overly excited about something the professor said, if they weren't struggling to stay awake themselves...
Anyways, I really just wanted to say I'm grateful for answers to prayers and I know they are real. I know God lives, and loves His children, even in their stubborn ways. He loves His children.
Decisions Determine Destiny
I wrote this a little while ago (I think at the beginning of July...), but I thought I wanted to add more to it, so I didn't post it then. However, I don't remember what else it was I wanted to say, so here it is:
So it seems every six months, give or take, my life takes on a theme. I start to understand a doctrine of the gospel of Jesus Christ a little more, and it just seems to become manifest again and again, for months and months. And it's amazing how the Lord helps me understand line upon line as I go on through my life.
So it seems every six months, give or take, my life takes on a theme. I start to understand a doctrine of the gospel of Jesus Christ a little more, and it just seems to become manifest again and again, for months and months. And it's amazing how the Lord helps me understand line upon line as I go on through my life.
"Men are free....to choose" (2 Ne 2:27). This statement has had such an impact on my life recently.
For a lot of my life I thought that I had to do the right thing, I had to be nice to that person, and I had to keep my thoughts to myself so as not to offend. I have to go to church, I have to read my scriptures, and I have to pray. I had no choice because I had to be perfect. Of course, none of these are bad things for me to be doing, but thinking this way I missed an important fact: no one chooses what path I take, but me. My Heavenly Father cannot make me get up for church, He cannot make me pray to Him, He cannot make me serve another, nor can He make me love. I spent a long time of my life believing that I had no say in the matter. I had a path marked out for me, and I was always scared of making a mistake. What if I screwed up so bad that I couldn't get back on again? What if I had a mission I needed to do for my Father, but I messed it up? How could I ever be sure?
But at some point, I realized a few things I'd like to share.
One, I don't have to do what's right. I don't have to be nice. I don't have to go to church, say my prayers or love others. The choice is completely mine. This realization, when I think of its power, it humbles me. If I mess my life up, there isn't anyone to blame. Not my parents, not my neighbor, no one, but me.
Two, though I don't have to live a certain way, I actually do want to do what's right. I want to be a loving person who prays and who exercises her faith. I want to live in such a way that I can be an instrument in His hands.
Three, the Lord qualifies those He calls. I am a human being, and we human beings have a tendency to make stupid mistakes. But the Atonement of our Savior isn't just for sin. It's for our weaknesses, it's for where we lack and it's for when we make poor choices. The Lord would never let someone else's salvation rest solely in my hands. And He can fix whatever I did to myself if I sincerely want to repent.
And once I started to understand these things, it became apparent that I had to make some decisions in my life. I had to choose my priorities, what I was going to do with my time, and who I was going to spend it with. I had to form opinions on what I wanted in my life and what I didn't. My decisions were/are determining my destiny.
When My Wings Have Trouble
"Friends are angels who lift our feet when our own wings have trouble remembering how to fly."
My friends are awesome. The Lord must really love me to have given me so many people who care about me, who will party with me during happy times, and mourn with me during hard times. That even when I'm not the most optimistic ("I'm not bitter!" haha) or the most put-together person, they'll be by my side, telling me I can. I'm truly thankful for that.
And Shavonne, you're the best! Don't forget it.
Blessed be the Name of the Lord
I think Heavenly Father must really love His children. Why else would He put up with our stubbornness with such tenderness and understanding? I'm really grateful He helps me as I make choices in my life, and that He has given me agency in the first place to pursue the things that matter to me. That He cares about what ever those things are even if it's not that important in the scheme of things, or if it's very important but not where He needs me to be.
I wish I understood everything. I wish I could understand why some opportunities seem the best at one time, but aren't the next. Why some doors are always open and some are never. Why some open, then close while others are closed then open. But I don't, and I guess that's why we have to trust in the Lord. He knows a lot more about my life then I ever will :)
I guess the point is even though I've given up something I love dearly, I know He has some thing better in mind for me (and for you, and I hope you know it). I'm very grateful for everything, for all my joys and my tears. I'm a blessed girl who wouldn't trade her life for anything.
I wish I understood everything. I wish I could understand why some opportunities seem the best at one time, but aren't the next. Why some doors are always open and some are never. Why some open, then close while others are closed then open. But I don't, and I guess that's why we have to trust in the Lord. He knows a lot more about my life then I ever will :)
I guess the point is even though I've given up something I love dearly, I know He has some thing better in mind for me (and for you, and I hope you know it). I'm very grateful for everything, for all my joys and my tears. I'm a blessed girl who wouldn't trade her life for anything.
Excuse are Tools of the Incompetent...
I've been figuring out that a great deal of my frustration and stress of late has been strongly affected by the fact I've been feeling that I'm being acted upon, and not acting for myself (2 Ne 2:14,16). My life sucks because this and this and this happened in my bubble and it's out of my control and so let me pity party, but in reality, it's because in a lot of ways, I've been losing my will to do and to be. That "natural man" they call it took over making me lazy and scared. I don't know how exactly it happened, but I want to be an agent unto myself again. I want to be in control and not let every little thing toss me around.
Another thing. People have said that when you lash out at people for what they do wrong, it's because you're ashamed that you can find it in you. And so I want to apologize to you for being so unforgiving when in reality, I'm just insecure. Confucius said "When you see a good man, emulate him. When you see a bad man, examine you're own heart." Has been a favorite quote for a while. I remember why now :)
May we all (I am currently defining 'we' to be me and everyone else who reads this blog, in case you were wondering...) find peace and happiness, and security in ourselves. I'm grateful for my blessings and for answers to questions. I pray I can be more of the person I've always wanted to be, and more like my Savior in every way (and boy, do I have a loooong way to go haha).
Another thing. People have said that when you lash out at people for what they do wrong, it's because you're ashamed that you can find it in you. And so I want to apologize to you for being so unforgiving when in reality, I'm just insecure. Confucius said "When you see a good man, emulate him. When you see a bad man, examine you're own heart." Has been a favorite quote for a while. I remember why now :)
May we all (I am currently defining 'we' to be me and everyone else who reads this blog, in case you were wondering...) find peace and happiness, and security in ourselves. I'm grateful for my blessings and for answers to questions. I pray I can be more of the person I've always wanted to be, and more like my Savior in every way (and boy, do I have a loooong way to go haha).
Imagine my Surpreese
These last couple weeks have been full of surprises, some that were meant to be and some that shouldn't have been. Let me share with you some of the highlights:
Surprise One: "Did your brother tell you he's getting married in two weeks?"
Surprise Two: BYU actually succeeded in breaking a world record, and I was a part of it :)
Surprise Three: "I made you a cake. It's in your apt :)"
Surprise Four:"I was thinking we could get Thai food for dinner, go find you a gift, maybe go get ice cream, and then go country dancing"
Surprise Five: "Andrea and I chipped in to get you this"
Surprise Six: Shavonne didn't do anything for my birthday...
Surprise Seven: Happy Birthday caroling at my door.
Surprise Eight: Above surprise was Shavonne's celebration of my bday
Surprise Nine: Receiving more financial aid
Surprise 1: My brother Abe is now happily married to Jenny :) I'm super excited to have another sister-in-law and I look forward to getting to know her better.
Surprise 2: BYU now holds the record for biggest water balloon fight ever. I couldn't believe we actually did it! And it was a lot of fun. I got in the head so many times with unbroken water balloons and I had a headache the rest of the day. Nothing better than taking one for the team haha. And! You should watch it :)
Surprises 3-5 were on my birthday. Sarah Applegate was nice enough to make me a cake, my dear boyfriend took me out to dinner, around the mall, up the mountain to watch a sunset, and his place to give me pepto bismol haha. My stomach started acting up (it has been on and off, I think because I'm dehydrated) so we couldn't go country dancing which was a pity, but we went to see Iron Man 2 instead, which was also fun. Andrea and Kadi got me Sparkling White Grape Cocktail Juice since it was, after all, my 21st birthday.
Surprises 6-8 were pretty awesome. I was a little surprised when Shavonne wasn't involved in my birthday. She's always excited about celebrating her friends birthday, and I kind of am her best friend, so I assumed... But it was fine, I didn't mind so much. But on Sunday, she really really wanted me to go to watch a Disney movie at my friend's place for some reason, but I had to bake this cake for a friend and it was getting late as it was. Approx. 30 min later someone knocked on my door, and about 20 people I knew were all singing happy birthday for me. Turns out Shavonne had planned a surprise birthday for me, and I made it difficult because I wouldn't leave her apartment all day, and then I wouldn't come to my party haha. Love ya Shavonne!
Surprise 9 just an amazing blessing. Proof the Lord loves me and my family even though I'm not the brightest person in the world.
Can I just say my life is great? I'm really lucky to have the life I do.
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